Family relationships in storytelling can live with readers and make a lasting impression. The family relationships portrayed in literature can help readers feel seen, but also help them see the possibilities.
One of my favorite family relationships to write in my books are sibling relationships. I’ve been asked several times how I am able to make the relationships feel real and relatable. And, beyond that, I’ve been asked how I’m able to make siblings feel like they were siblings when they weren’t even featured in the same books. I’m going to share my top three tips on how I’ve done this, and I hope it helps you as you write sibling relationships in your books!
1. Allow them to share similarities, but also give them differences (culture, personality, beliefs)
I am the middle of five biological siblings. We are all close in age and were raised by the same parents. My parents did divorce later, which I’ll discuss in tip #3, but, for now, I want you to think about your own sibling relationships. What was the dynamic? Were you all raised in the same household, with the same culture and beliefs instilled in you?
In my family, my parents made it a point to teach us Hawaiian culture and history, as well as to raise us in a Gospel-centered home. They were strict about certain things, but also gave us plenty of opportunities to work hard and play hard. My siblings were my best friends growing up. I never really saw a need to have outside friends, because I was so close to my siblings. They were easy and fun to play and work hard with.
Why am I sharing this? Because in your story, your sibling characters will need to have some kind of basis. Did they grow up in the same home? What was the difference in the way the older siblings were treated vs the younger siblings? How did their lifestyle and upbringing affect them?
Remember that siblings can grow up in the exact same circumstances and live through the exact same things, but, because we’re all different, a set of siblings will each react differently. Let me give you an example:
In The Incandescent Kingdoms series, I introduce three brothers from the kingdom of Alpenglow: Dawson (the oldest), Vance (the next oldest), and Jax (the youngest son). As you read through each of their stories, you find out that they had a little sister who drowned when she was eight years old. They all lived through the same experience and had the same loss, but they all reacted differently.
Dawson, the oldest, becomes more somber and serious. He is already the oldest and, therefore, heir to the throne, but this experience forces him to not take things for granted. He’s very serious about his decisions and tries to listen to his heart.
Vance, the next oldest, becomes angry and frustrated. When hard things happen, some people don’t know how to process or internalize, and the pent-up emotions can turn into anger. This is the case with Vance.
Jax, the youngest, becomes rebellious. He puts on a disguise, like nothing can affect him, and sneaks away to the Pirate Wars.
They all experienced the same loss, but they all reacted in different ways. It creates interesting scenarios for when they are together. Don’t be afraid to experiment and show how siblings in your book put up walls, even from each other, in order to not show vulnerability or weakness. Allow them to share hard experiences, but also allow them to have their own personalities and reactions as a result of them.
Similarities in sibling relationships can also look like having a similar sense of humor. My siblings and I have “inside jokes” or quote movies and things that others don’t understand. But, to us, it’s hilarious. Let the siblings in your stories also have similarities in personality, especially the sense of humor.
2. Don’t make them perfect
I’ve received complaints from readers, as well as docked stars in my ratings, because readers don’t like it when siblings express one thing, but they don’t really mean it. An example of this is in Married at Sunrise. The main character, Heilani, shares how hurt she felt that her brothers never defended her against their bully cousin. The brothers apologize, but the oldest, Iosefa, does not seem sincere. He says “sorry,” probably because his younger brother, Malosi, apologized. But it’s easy to tell that Iosefa isn’t truly sorry. He’s only saying the words.
This bugged a lot of readers. They emailed me saying that Iosefa wasn’t truly apologetic, and that wasn’t right.
The truth is… this is how it goes in real life. Sometimes in sibling relationships, one sibling might feel pressured to say or do something because the others are doing it.
Siblings are NOT perfect. And if you aim to make every sibling say sorry and have good feelings right away, it’s not relatable nor realistic. I mean… it’d be nice, right? But we’re all human, and, sometimes, it’s those closest to us who hurt us the most.
In A Beautiful Hope, two sisters, after years of resentment and hurt, apologize and begin to repair their relationship. The book doesn’t end with them being best friends but, instead, says that they still kept a distance but were a little kinder to one another when they did make an effort to see one another.
If you make things perfect, you lose your reader, who probably does not have perfect sibling relationships in their own life.
While this might sound all gloomy, I will say, though, that forgiveness is real, and healing is real. Some great examples of siblings relationships, that are not perfect but show growth and learning, are
Awaken and Turret by Camille Peter and Jacob Have I Loved by Katherine Paterson. If you can think of more examples, please feel free to share them in the comments!
3. Make your siblings share a story (something that was difficult, especially, and how they react to the situations differently)
Siblings who go through hard things together can either have stronger bonds or fall away from one another. To share a personal example, my siblings and I have been through a lot: hard physical labor, mental, verbal, and emotional abuse, manipulation, dealing with a narcissist, poverty, and so much more. It was through these experiences that I drew closer to my siblings. We couldn’t always talk about things, but we did laugh and make jokes to cope with things. To this day, too, we actually still laugh about things because, again, it’s probably the best way we can cope with and talk about our shared trauma. The interesting thing, though, is how we’ve all reacted and changed as a result of our life challenges. Some of my siblings no longer worship God. Some of them don’t believe in things like marriage or families. Some of my siblings have drawn closer to God, and believe in marriage and families. Others are pessimistic about life. Some still can’t seem to get over the trauma, while others cope with other methods like drinking or oversharing with others. I, myself, have come a long way in recognizing how the trauma has changed me and emphasized my own beliefs, caused me to set boundaries, and so forth.
When you are writing sibling relationships, allow them to share experiences together, but react to those situations in ways that fit their personalities and character. Is there a war going on in the kingdom? How do each of the siblings react? Are some afraid, angry, or feel responsible?
What if the siblings are in a dystopian novel? Are they going to choose to trust each other, based on previous experiences and familial ties, instead of allowing their world to tear them apart? Let your siblings share in the moments of fear and hardship, then allow them to react according to their personalities and characters.
4. Show moments of caring, either in the past or present
For anyone who’s ever had a sibling, it’s easy to think of the negative experiences. “He was mean to me when we were in high school…” or “My sister just never understood xyz about me…” etc. But if you dig hard enough, you should be able to find a positive experience, or, at least an experience where you understood why a sibling behaved the way he or she did.
When you write sibling relationships, even if they’re broken or strained, allow characters to, every once in a while, try to understand another sibling. Allow characters to find that one time their sibling treated them nicely–or remotely nicely, depending on the personality and situation. This gives relationships depth and compassion.
5. Don’t neglect sibling order
I am the middle of five, and, as such, I’m “the invisible child.” The forgotten one. Whenever we’d show up at church or social events, people would gloss over me. Or they’d have to ask me my name, as they’d confuse me with my younger sister. Middle children feel invisible, but the funny thing is… their siblings will come to them the most. Almost all of my siblings tell me things they’d never tell each other. They turn to me when they want to vent about something or discuss deeper topics.
When it comes to storytelling, don’t neglect the power of sibling order. The oldest sibling in a family will always feel responsible. They’re the parents’ guinea pig, and they have a lot of pressure put on them to perform and behave in a certain way.
Second children live in the shadows of the oldest. They seem to have the belief that they won’t ever “shine” as bright as the oldest.
Youngest siblings are ratted on for being the spoiled ones. It’s believed that the youngest children don’t have as many rules, or that the parents aren’t as strict.
While these are general stereotypes, don’t be afraid to use them because, more often than not, they’re very relatable and realistic.
In Conclusion
Sibling relationships can be very powerful in your storytelling if you make them realistic and relatable. Don’t be afraid to make things messy and imperfect, because relationships in life are messy and imperfect, especially family relationships. Sometimes the people closest to you are the ones who hurt you the most. They’re also the ones who can help and boost you the most.
I am so grateful for my own siblings and the friendships I’ve had with them throughout my entire life. I hope that by sharing a little of my story, you won’t be afraid to share a little of yours in your own writing. When you can write powerful sibling dynamics, you can inspire hope in your readers and their own family situations.
What is a book you’ve read where you adored the sibling relationships? Let us know in the comments. Thanks again for being here and remember: you got this!